hi. i miss you. you, the one who cut me so deep that i will never be the same again no matter how hard i try. it hurt then and it hurts now. and yet, somehow i miss you... i sit here and hold onto a little piece of you and think that if i could go back and change something, anything, just so that you would still be here i would. i needed you, and you walked away. and because you walked away it will never be the same between us anymore. it cant be, no matter how badly i want it to, because you gave up. you gave up on something that was more than a bond of friendship, so much more.
you decided that there were other things in your life that were more important than me. i moved to the bottom when i was once at the top. it was like you forgot all of the times i was there for you to hold your hand and to watch you cry and to tell you that everything would be okay. the times we hung out with my family, and the time we spent with yours. the laughs, the smiles, and the days we laughed so hard we cried. all the long conversations and wee hours of the morning that were spent by your side, they were all forgotten, it was as if none of it had ever happened... for you.
but it was different for me. i remember everything... the time you saw me in the hallway and got really close to my face and then said, "are you wearing brown mascara?" and then i laughed and nodded and you told me it looked really good on me, and as we turned to walk to class you tripped and i fell over you and we laid on the ground laughing until someone came and made us go to class. the first day of school after the christmas break. i walked in one side of the hall and you walked in the other at the same time. we saw each other and ran down the hall towards each other and you scooped me up in a hug and spun me around and we acted as though we hadnt seen each other for forever, when in reality we had hung out the day before... :) then there was the time you texted me at two in the morning and told me to come upstairs and open my front door. so i did and you handed me tacos from del taco and told me that you had made a late night run and had thought of me so, naturally, you had to get some for me too. and the way that my dad came upstairs as we were standing there talking and how he didnt get mad that there was a boy over at two in the morning because it was you, and you were family. all those times you would drive me to volleyball practice just because you could and because we werent done hanging out even though i had to leave. and how you would come back and pick me up after. how we would go and get dinner or ice cream and just sit in your car and talk forever. the days we would go to wendys and eat chicken sandwiches with honey mustard and fries with frostys. the school dances we would go to whether we were just in the same group or were each others dates. the dance where we were in the same group and i wanted to ask a really stupid guy to go with me and you warned me about him but i didnt listen and went ahead and asked him anyway. yet you never said 'i told you so'. you just sat with me and talked with me. and how you came over after and talked about it with me and made me laugh and made me forget all of the stupid things he had said and done throughout the night. and the time you carried tali up the stairs against her will when she had gone downstairs because her date sat in her chair because he knew she couldnt sit anywhere else. rev, r-e-ev. the days we would go to zupas and the days we got together and made chocolate covered strawberries just because we could. i remember it all.
and as i sit here and write all of this to you, knowing that you will never read it simply because you dont care anymore, i miss you. but i have something to tell you too. i am finally happy again. i have been for awhile now, but ive been too scared to tell you because i didnt know if i could handle talking to you. but i can, i am happy, and i finally dont need you anymore. yes i miss you and i will always remember the time we spent together. you were my brother and nothing will make me forget that, but i no longer need you. i am strong because of what you put me through. i now know that i can survive anything, i can do anything i set my mind to, and that i am someone who deserves to be treated right. you taught me so much by being my friend and by being with me, but you taught me so much more by walking away. so thank you. it hurt and it changed me, but its made me a better person.
so hi. i miss you. you, the one who cut me so deep that i will never be the same again no matter how hard i try. it hurt then and it hurts now. and yet, somehow i am happy...
"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while and leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same." ~Flavia Weedn
I freaking love you.
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